What’s all this then?

MP: So, would you care to tell us a little more about the web site that’s getting so much press lately?
DM: Certainly…It’s called Mode Five and basically it’s a platform for me to comment on any experiences I have during the course of my glamorous life. Once every couple of weeks or so I'll add a page documenting, for example, a garden party at Buckingham Palace or a movie premier I've attended, usually accompanied by a breathtakingly beautiful photo or snippet of design.

MP: So you would disagree with critics who have claimed your site is nothing more than a deeply tedious collection of half formed thoughts, extended rambles on nothing in particular, and photography that is - how did A.A. Gill put it in his column on you last week? - “even worse than the writing”?
DM: The pundits, critics and so called “style gurus” can say what they like Park-o, but the public knows what they want and they’re voting with their feet - or maybe I should say with their mice! [laughs uproariously for a full seven minutes] Mode five gets literally tens of visitors a month, and you can’t argue with those kinds of numbers.

MP: You would say the site was popular?
DM: I can say without fear of contradiction that Mode Five is one of the best known and most respected online-diary-with-photos-type-thing sites based out of Whitley, Berkshire today.

MP: Indeed. And Whitley…how has living their influenced your work?
DM: Well, a lot of the grace and wit of my writing is very much inspired by my surroundings. My photography too, is influenced by the beauty I see in Whitley: the people, the architecture, it's many cafes and galleries, the conversation in it’s coffee shops…

MP: Really? And yet Norman Mailer recently commented that “Mode Five is obviously a product of the area in which it’s author lives. Like Whitley itself the writing is bitter, angry and largely illiterate, while the aesthetics of the site - such as they are - are on a par with the mindless daubings of a one year old child. The site is, in many ways, a mirror of the horrific suburban nightmare that exists on the outskirts of Reading”?
DM: Norman Mailer can go eat a bowl of dick.

MP: Ahem. Yes. Well…Mailer isn’t alone in his criticism of your home or your work. Prince Charles himself has declared Whitley a “national eyesore”, and recently the Home Secretary described it as “A hell hole. Grey, depressing and rife with mindless, pretty crime. Whitley would be a world class ghetto on a par with Compton or downtown Beirut if only it’s residents had ambition beyond sniffing glue and fighting in the car park of The Four Horseshoes.”
DM: Look Mick, the inbred, scary toothed blue blood and the blind, embezzling cunt can both take a flying fuck as far as I’m concerned. If I got hold of either of them I’d…

[Scuffle breaks out. Remainder of transmission omitted for legal reasons.]